Is this a joke or do they really believe this???
by subacati
I've just stumbled across this weird artcle while checking up on the History of the Q-tip! (an American form of ear-bud) :faint: .
I assume it was meant as a joke, in which case it's a little bit amusing, but if they meant this to be taken seriously then they probably need a visit from the men in white coats! :insane: .
Originally posted by landoverbaptist.com:
Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips
1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.
So then how do they explain away that Islam teaches men to always squat and never stand? :sherlock: .
2. A boy must eat everything on his plate. But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.
??? :confused: ???
3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming. So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!
So Jesus never wore sandals?? All the illustrated Bibles I've ever seen depict men in robes (dresses?) wearing sandals while preaching to groups of children! π .
4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind. He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.
5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls β Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).
Now that's cool! Encouraging inter-sibling incest as a way of preventing homosexuallity! π .
6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy." As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.
7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual β and in America there is no difference between the two.
So, Landover Baptists make their own underwear? :confused: . The only white cotton undies sold round here are panties and bras! :p .
8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth β even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.
9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow. Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.
I'd have thought that curves are preferred by heterosexuals! (.)(.) :p
10. A boy must not skip or prance. You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.
After actually reading that, it was obviously meant as a joke! But I wonder if anyone is attempting to apply this for real! π .
I would say that it is obviously tongue in cheek, but that could be taken out of context.. π
I went through the rest of that site and it quickly becomes obvious that someone with way too much time on their hands has set it up to poke fun at these guys! π .
The Redneck Bible π
Perhaps mockery is the sincerest form of flattery :eyes:
Absolutely some tongue=in-cheek sarcasm/satire by an anti-Christian. Shame on whoever wrote this. I'm Baptist and this article? isn't cool at all.
Absolutely hilarious Must be a joke
The Landover Baptist Church site is a satire. Not to be taken serious. Made by people who have obvious issues with religion and Christianity or just have a very exclusive sense of homour. In my opinion it is crude and cruel. If it was served with a little more finesse and subtlety, I would, perhaps, find it funny.
"9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow."I am a male, have been male my entire life, was even born male. I've just turned 69 years old in December and I am proud to say I love the bright colors in my box of crayons. I use them more than the somber ones. I also love wearing colorful hats too. :jester:
@Linda. I agree that this is taking things too far. I suspect that they're really targeting the extremists of religion though. π .@Martin. Ordinarily I might agree with you. But since I've net people who are almost as extreme as this satire depicts, I can find the funny side of this satire. :left: . What this site appears to be mocking the most is the tendency for some churches to be bigoted. A casual glance at the site can very easily leave one thinking that this is an actuall church website and hence cause a serious misunderstanding. :awww: . That is the thing that worries me the most about it. :left: .Btw, I used the search term, "baby gays" to find this. "Baby Gays" was apparently the original name for "Q-Tips" :up: .
:eyes: wtf
Hmm! You'd have to be pretty twisted with your practice of Christianity to adhere to this kinda thing. Both of my parents were preachers, I'm Christian myself and I'm thinking wtf?
Originally posted by Cois:
So you stick Baby Gays in your ear? :eyes:
Originally posted by harrytheman:
I do think that is what the creators of that website were trying to emphasise! There are some pretty twisted people on this planet! π .
Luckily, few of them stay at Opera long enough to be a nusiance… :whistle:
Landover is like The Onion for religious nutters, funny as fuck but a little too accurate in representing the common view occasionally. As a point of interest, they tend to use actual articles from religious sites as a basis and skeleton then go over the top with a rewrite (for example, the food advice about hot dogs is genuine but the emphasis on all tubular foods and making kids eat vaginal replicants is the extension into satire).
I think I've seen the original article of this. Point 5 actually encouraged rooming brothers and sisters together to aid with the natural curiosity that comes with entering puberty. That's almost word for word. Point 6 was about keeping a child in a constant aura of discipline (and therefore keeping them straight as no kid would be homosexual if they were raised right apparently) by giving them respectful names to call the father by. As the father was obviously straight due to having kids (this is how naive the article was) the child would see the respect straight men get and aspire to it. I remember laughing my ass off at it then realising these people would actually enforce it on their kids.
Couldn't find the original article, but the following link is to a serious religious article on homosexuality. Prepare to be enlightened… http://www.bible.ca/s-homo-vaccine.htm
Gives me the creeps. Really. I very rarely get scared, but this stuff does it. There should be laws against this sort of religious crap. Seriously. I don't mean the Landover site but the serious, real thing. Any group who uses religious dogma for supressing women and children (because that's what I see in this) should be prosecuted.
Oh my.. Now that I've given this a proper read-through.. I hate people. I'm tempted to buy some things from the Gift Shop.. "SEXY CHRISTIAN LOVE OFFERINGS"
especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissueREAL MEN SIT IN PISS
Originally posted by qlue:
That feeling when you read this before seeing the explanation π
π This is so wrong explanation, but can pass just like religion itself…
Originally posted by DH:
WTF?? I never said that! :insane:
Originally posted by Cois:
Of course you did! We all heard you! :devil: .
don't talk kak man! π
:p
So thats who said it first…
I don't clean my ears that way.. :left: traditional pen in ear works just fine… :whistle:
*nods* On a tv ad for – of all things- Q- Tips. π
I didn't know that :eyes:
Theory has it that the smallest thing you should put in your ear is your elbow..
That was Orson Bean that said that!
Guys… Acquiring detailed information about swabsticks is way beyond nerd. It even surpasses geek.
Here, check this out: http://www.qtips.com/history.php I always thought they were made by Johnson & Johnson. :sherlock:
Originally posted by Aqualion:
That's true – and that's why I'm in awe of these guys. I am only fashionably geek. π
@H82typ – thanks for the info, don't listen to these guys, they are only jealous π Curious, is a half nerd half geek a gerd or a neek?
A gerd if he (or she) is revered, a neek if despised. :sherlock: .
As in, "wow, what a gerd" :yes: Or "you despicable neek" :yuck:Fantastic, lets make it go viral π
We are the gerds who say neek!
A boy must also draw in straight lines.Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately. Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?:banana::p :ko: A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual β:lol: Gee I wonder How they Would last these Days as The Fashion is Coloured Or Black Boxer Shorts Very Funny Mad Scientist.
:left: i'm european? :doh:
Originally posted by Cois:
π .So not an advantage in 2012! π .
Being European never was an advantage. Every fucking world war took place here. Even in antiquity. Both the Greeks and the Romans were Europeans. One time the French and the English chose to fight eachoter on American grounds. Otherwise the great wars apparently have to take place in Europe.
Or Asia…
The sad thing is, this isn't all that far off from the things the more extreme sects publish.
Originally posted by Spaggyj:
True! :awww: .