A cynical look at Christmas

by subacati

Every year around this time, business start gearing up for Christmas
This parody of Jingle bells is a cynical look at this phenomenon.
Warning – This post contains inappropriate language and excessive cynicism – do not read if you are easily offended or even if you just love Christmas

Warning – This post contains inappropriate language and excessive cynicism – do not read if you are easily offended or even if you just love Christmas

Every year, two months before Christmas, businesses try their utmost to capitalise on 'the Christmas spirit' :awww:
The shops are suffused with Christmas ditties and cheap, glittery streamers are hung everywhere. Prices are put up so that they can be 'reduced' for 'Christmas special' that aren't really special at all. πŸ™„

Surely even people who love Christmas a lot must find this annoying. :irked:

So, in celebration of the commercialisation of Christmas, here is a parody of Jingle Bells!

(chorus)
Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and where's his fucking sleigh, hey?!

It's to the mall we'll go
Two months till christmas day
The tinsel's up and carols resound throughout the shops all day

And at the mall we'll try
to buy a plastic tree
We'll put it on the credit card and pay in January!

(chorus)
Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and where's his fucking sleigh, hey?!

there's specials at the mall
from now till christmas eve
You asked for one, they gave you two but one of them was free!

How do these specials work?
What are they costing me?
It's twice the price you payed last month but half of it's for free

(chorus)
Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and where's his fucking sleigh, hey?!

It's Christmas time again
It's time for charity
Spend ten Rand on the homeless man, ten thousand Rand on me!

Who cares if you're hungry?
To eat you have to pay!
I've a party planned that's gonna be grand so I cannot help you see?

(chorus)
Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and where's his fucking sleigh, hey?!

In debt up to the the sky
I'm in the red I fear
But let's not be concerned with that, by August we'll be clear

At last we breath a sigh.
But this is what I fear!
October's gone November's here. Will Christmas soon be here?!

(chorus)
Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and where's his fucking sleigh, hey?!

Jingle bells, Santa smells,
Rudolph's nose is grey!
His dwarf's too tall, his stomach too small
and – where's – his – fah-king sleigh???

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